Defending The Drive-Thru

There are essentially 2 kinds of people in this world: 1) Those who see the sign above, shake their head in disgust and feel like vomiting, and 2) those who see the sign, press down firmly on the gas pedal and haul ass to exit 59. I know that if I ever come across a sign as glorious as this one, I will not hesitate to pull over. Clearly, we know where I stand on the issue. But what about those people who fall into category 1? Why is it that so many people hate the fast food industry? I really want to know. How can so many people have such outright contempt for a range of restaurants and products that are delicious, convenient and, quite frankly, revolutionary? Like it or not, fast food is arguably one of the most influential "inventions" of the 20th century and one of America's most recognizable exports abroad. The fast food service sector is undeniably a significant force in our economy and has been for decades. However, fast food opponents, nutritionists and tree-huggers alike will argue that it's making our citizens fat. FALSE. Our citizens are making our citizens fat. It's like Chris Tucker once said, "Guns don't kill people, stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people (Name The Movie...)!"

It's true that just as guns in the wrong hands can be extremely dangerous (convicted felons), so too can fast food (Kirstie Alley). But just like you can't hold Smith & Wesson accountable for a premeditated murder, you can't arrest The King as an accessory to this country's coronaries...you have to blame the consumer. If you're eating 3 supersized value meals every day, there are probably some larger lifestyle issues you should address. Just because a product exists doesn't mean you have to use it or associate yourself with it at all. That's the beauty of capitalism. But hey, if you want to be morbidly obese, then more power to you...Freedom of Expression...It's the 1st Amendment. All I ask

is that you, and your anti-fast food advocates, stop looking for excuses and placing the blame everywhere else other than on yourselves...all these assholes are doing is ruining all of the great products the U.S. offers to accomodate our vices...liquor, tobacco, marijuana, and 1200 calorie cheeseburgers that are ready at a moment's notice. Let's face it: It's not Jim Beam's fault you drove into that tree; it's not Joe Camel's fault you got emphysema; it's not Towelie's fault that you cant remember what day it is (well maybe slightly); and it sure as hell isn't Ronald McDonald's fault that your 8 year old is fat.

When a fatty blames fast food for their obesity (or their child's), it's akin to having a peanut allergy and knowingly eating a jar of peanut butter, then blaming your adverse reaction on the makers of Jif for making it widely available. If you are fat, and you want to lose weight, then stop eating entire Crave Cases for lunch.

However, there are those of us who relish this choice that we have, and actively decide to embrace the splendor that is American fast food. I don't eat it every day, but it has a very special place in my heart and my belly. Every so often you just get that craving and there's nothing else that can satisfy. If I go too long without a Big Mac, I begin to understand how Tyrone Biggums feels everyday.

I recently received an email from Brownie with a link to a Newsweek article by Steve Tuttle. I've never seen anyone describe the fast food experience quite like him. He is my new hero...check out the article here and enjoy. Prepare to be inspired and hungry...at least that's how it made me feel.

So after you read his article and my post, my proposition to all of you is that - for just one meal this week - you disregard all the negativity and bullshit surrounding fast food and go re-connect with your favorite burger, chicken sandwich, nugget, gordita, extra crispy drumstick, mcmuffin, frosty, and/or fries. (If it's been awhile and you've forgotten where to go, here's a list of every fast food restaurant in existence). Feel free to post a comment detailing the calorie-filled slice of heaven you fell back in love with.

Give in to one of America's greatest guilty pleasures and help spur the economy while you're at it! Consider it your civic duty...like voting, but far more delicious.

Your country thanks you.